Online Shopping Exists because Men Hate Shopping
This is a story that was written years ago, but still holds the value of humor inside it.
Online shopping was developed based on the universal opinion of men toward the idea of shopping. Don’t believe me? I’m typing this as I’m sitting in the Target café as my wife and son parade around the aisles, did I want to walk around this preview of what my hellish afterlife is going to be? Absolutely not.
I can completely picture it, my afterlife is going to be the door of Walmart, open-wide with a broken, blinkin ‘open 24/7’ neon sign, and every single employee, (greeters included, yes in this story they are being given the credit as an addition to the workforce), is going to be a screaming, throwing a fit, 3 year old child. It will be an emotional breakdown a day, repeated multiple times, that is my eternal damnation, but until I meet it, I don’t need any previews.
Anyway, back to topic, online shopping was an intelligent design created for the sole purpose of keeping men out of stores, why?, because we hate it. There is no middle ground, no man likes to shop, it grants us no pleasure. If a man tries to tell you otherwise, he’s either playing ball on both sides of the field, or he has one hell of an interesting history that he hasn’t told you about, and yes, I mean a sex change.
Retail stores came across the concept that by forcing men in a store for longer than we can tolerate often times it would lead to us walking out, our wives getting nothing, and a fight that leads to no shopping experience for a time to come. Their resolution, E-Commerce. Very, very clever.
The Birth of E-Commerce
For a slightly increased price range on products you are given the choice to stay home away from a place that would cause most men genuine aggravation.
-Wife can’t see product, return possible
-Return to store, absolutely not. Give me a mailing address
That’s about the only con, the pro’s, I would list them, but I’m in no mood to write a novel. More-so a helpful review that can possibly save the minds of our generation of the hard-working man.
Online shopping was put into effect for us, women, please, please, learn to use it more effectively. If you are a woman and are offended by this, I don’t care. It is not my fault the generic label has fallen upon you for loving to shop, you earned that shit, you’ve never seen a man skipping into a Walmart, and nope Ray Ray the happy homosexual doesn’t count as a man. He stands for undecided, and no, I don’t care about sexual preference.
The Growing Pains of Retail Shopping
The time that retail shopping hits the truest point of the ‘gates of hell’ is when the clothing section comes into our view. When it is visibly in our grasp men of the strongest mental fortitude have a panic attack, because we know we are about to be put into a position where we are going to have to give true ‘opinion’ on women clothing.
Now, women, you may think this is ‘helpful’ from your point of view. From ours, within certain respect of ‘common sense’, we don’t care what you wear. We care in the sense that, as our woman, we expect you to not look like you belong on a street corner turning tricks, but outside of that, you could be wearing just about anything and will say “it looks fine, what’s the price” If you are looking for something more than that, the next time you will either have to:
-Bring your girlfriends, who suggest the dumbest clothing choices available to mankind, hell, that’s what receipts are for (another creation made first for men, women stole it from us)
– Bring your gay friend Sebastian (just making up a name here, nothing against anyone with that name)
I should also note, again, nothing against sexual preference either, I could care a less how you live, I just respect the notion of ‘conservative love’, love whoever the hell you want. Style wise, women and fags, men personally don’t give a shit, pass us a toga and some sandals, not our fault that history decided to label this unacceptable.
Men and Retail Shopping
Back to shopping:
Online shopping got put into development when men went to a new level of extreme, we would act in ways of pure ‘embarrassment’, with a singular purpose, to get the hell out of a store.
I recall running up and down aisles like I had a mental deficiency one time in Walmart, after they clarified I wasn’t an employee but a shopper, my wife became furious and stated it was time to go. As you can imagine, it broke my heart.
Online shopping is one of those things that grants the best of both worlds, and yes, men and women live in different worlds, but share a plane of ‘existence’. Online shopping allows the woman to become absorbed in items she feels she is deserving of, and gives the man the opportunity to express poetically from the couch the fact that he has no desire to buy it at the given time.
Feel Good Shopping
What? Yeah, I don’t get it either, shopping for the concept of feeling good. Don’t get me wrong, I like gifts as much as the next person, I just prefer putting it toward something that actually makes me ‘feel good’, not promote me to hate life more. It’s like:
“Hey I feel depressed want to do something about it?”
“Sure, what did you have in mind?”
“How about we go shopping?!”
What just happened?
As men, when we hear that statement, it is as if our loving, adoring woman sense our inner pain, the knife that resides within us, and decides with that inner thought “I’m gonna twist that son of bitch”, oh and twist she does.
If we are in the dumps our idea of shopping is either alcohol, or items that can provide a similar feeling, and that is as much disclosure as I will give toward that topic. After all, secrets are always more fun spelled out.
A Closing Statement
Online shopping was made for us men, it can’t be debated. It isn’t about convenience for shoppers worldwide, it’s the fact that as men we are willing to raise pure hell to not endure the pain involved with retail shopping. It simply requires too much patience. As men we may may be creatures that lack patience, we have the intelligence to know we don’t belong there.
Shopping sucks, it’s a curse that can rip apart the most durable soul.